Drunk post

most of the stuff I am posting here is text that I wrote over the years. Through times that I was sober, and times that I was not. Days that I felt like I got this, days I felt like I didn't and days that I decided to actively trash myself.

Some I wrote while drinking, like the one you'll find here. Alcohol made me ask so many questions over the years, which I hope I will find answers to with time.

It's one of those mornings where I just decide that today I will spend the better part of my day drinking. See, over the last year and some I was not working. For the first time in over 15 years I found myself with no real obligation to wake up to. Sure, I was busy looking for my next thing, looking for what's gonna make some money for the family - but it was definitely an opening to "ahhh... i can have a few today and take a nap at noon. I deserve it".

And today is that day. I think that it even starts in my mind the night before. I actually plan the whole thing. What's the schedule, where would I drink so it will be safe and no one I know will know. It should be somewhere I can get to and back home safely, although I drove drunk so many times I can't count, and I am far from being proud of it. But I'll write about this another time.

So today, I will drop the kids at school, head to the open bar in the supermarket. They serve cold beer starting 9:00. I'll have a couple of beers, go through my emails, and then have 2 espressos, so the smell wears off a bit. I would then turn on WAZE to make sure no police is around, have another one in the bar on the road to my house, and go home. Before entering, I will take a few gums, slap myself a few times, and try to get inside as sober as possible. With time, I learned how to pretend being sober and function just like a normal person would. Then I would cook lunch, sometimes it would be extremely ridiculous, and then make an excuse of why I have to take a nap. Waking up in the afternoon, I would have 2 coffees and do my best to cope with the remaining time. Once I am up, my mind would immediately start thinking of ways to get some more alcohol, as fast as possible, so I would volunteer to go to the supermarket, or any other arrangement that I can find alcohol on the way to.

Yes. A true addict. And drinking some just now. Why?

Well, I am still figuring it out. But for some weird and unexplainable reason, it feels like I am getting a hold of sobriety. It's a fucking steep climb - but no one climbs mount Everest in a day.