Everyone knows "the 12 steps", it's common knowledge - a dozen of steps you take on your way to sobriety. I am not sure what are they though (I didn't even google it). But I do know one of them is apologize to people you harmed or were offended from your drinking habits. This is one I spend a lot of time thinking about from time to time and have a few incidents engraved in my mind I wish have turned out completely different than how they did.
Topping this list is my young sister's wedding. Summer of 2020 (remember COVID???) my young beloved sister had found her soulmate and planned a small and intimate wedding on a beautiful rooftop with just closest friends and family. Since many people could not have been invited, I was asked to take care of a live youtube video stream, which I was happy to take care of. That meant that I had to be there early, before everyone else got there. I had a couple of shots before I left the house, just to get into the mood (why not drive tipsy when I can??). First thing I did as I got there is to find the bar get another (one or probably 3) and then took care of business. I can function quite well while drinking, until I crack, so I managed to get the camera, sound, laptop and everything sorted just right. Of course I got less patient and started mumbling, but ya - I did what I had to. Fast forward to the morning after, I woke up with that terrible feeling which I am sure I don't need to tell you about. I felt literally like shit. inside and out, only to start putting the pieces together as to what the fuck happened last night. And if I didn't believe it - it was all recorded on youtube...
It was my sister's happiest day of her life, and I decided I will fully fuck it up - just for the sake of getting shitfaced. 4 years later, every time I see my sister's partner I still feel ashamed, and wish I had the power to act differently.
When I think back at that day, and similar days, i go through a variety of emotions and thoughts. The first is shame - shame for how I behaved, for the stupid things I have done and said (I am sure there were many). shame for how I embarrassed my sister in her celebration. I feel guilt, no real need to explain that. I am guilty of doing what I did and no other way about it. However, Disgust is what describes this best. I am disgust by my behavior that day, by my priorities, by my actions. That's all one big pile of smelly and dirty shit, which can maybe only pass when you're the 25 year old uncle - not as the big brother wedding his young sister.
Last - I want to feel proud for being able to talk about it, and write about it - but I need to earn that. I wont allow myself to tap on my shoulder before I close at least my first sober anniversary - so I'll put that on hold for now.
Sorry sis. I hope you'll forgive me one day.
ODAAT
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